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Sunday, August 4th, 2002
4:32 am - for Jessica
after 18 months of pushing you
and pulling you back,
you are on your way on a
severed path.
i don't know if you're ever
comin' back.

this is the moment
where i'm sorry
isn't gonna do it.

you have packed your room,
your bags,
your memories,
driving down the highway
towards somewhere else.

i wish i could have understood
the signs,
your lips and skin
over the phone.
i wish i could have understood
the meaning behind you
showing up at my doorstep
at 1am
on a Wednesday night.
i wish i could have understood

a good bye reverberates
in my lungs
and you aren't here to catch it
a good bye kiss
is caged in the cracks of my mouth.
you aren't here to devour it.

this is August
and everything after.
loss isn't such a disaster
once you've mastered
the art.

if i could ask for one last thing,
it would be for a photo booth moment
where for 30 seconds
i could hold you,
smile with you,
make funny faces with you,
kiss you,
and can remember that fragment of time
whenever i opened my

this poem isn't
a desperation
suicide slide
in-between the maw
of regret
this poem isn't
gonna pull you close
this poem won't
do anything except tell you
i'm sorry
i love you
you will be missed
when you are gone.

i guess this is

copyright by crush boy 2002

the story behind the poem

normally, i don't do this but this deems some background.

around 2001, i met Jessica via the internet (not always a good idea) at the time, i was escaping from the pits of hell aka ex-girlfriend numero duo and she was someone new and interesting i could talk to. as i got to know her, i started liking her, a lot. bad news was that i was still affected by the psychic poison of my past relationship so i wasn't in complete control of my emotional state i.e. i took out some of my damage on her. around the end of the year, we lost touch. she called every so often to say hi but she always sounded weary and beaten. flash forward to March of this year. she called out of the blue to see what was going on. we saw each other more (as friends-she came to lots of poetry slams to support me). i still didn't quite let go of my tendency to push her away and pull her back and i kept doing it, not as much but it was still being done because i am an idiot.

Jessica just graduated from college. her home is in Fort Meyers. i knew she was gonna move back there. but i told her something that i thought i would never say to anyone;


and a day later, i said to her something i thought i wasn't gonna say to her either;

i love you

and here is the motherfucking irony, it took me 18 fucking months, 18 motherfucking months to tell her that. i've said 'i love you' in much shorter time than that. but it was too late. she even said so.

my one regret in this life.

even crush boy can lose the war that is love.

excuse while i retreat to the crush grotto to lick my wounds and recharge my crush energies.

love is a motherfuckin' battlefield.



current mood: lonely

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Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
2:49 am - My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours
oh yes, it's true
my fellow wallowers
My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours!
i am the bottom the barrel
of the evolution scale!
i am an Imperial Stormtrooper!
i am a Green Koopa!
i am Skippy from Family Ties!
i tell no lies
when i cry
to the heavens above
and the hells below
My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours!

jealous are you?
you should be.
it has taken 7 years
of bad poetry,
6 years of listening to The Cure,
5 years of therapy,
4 years of watching The Crow
3 times a day
2 years of not hugging my mom
& 1 really bad prom experience
to make me more inferior
than you
and it feels good
to be superior at being

ha ha!
My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours
and you shall behold and worship me as i
hate myself
like a bad Nine Inch Nails song
whine more than
a Dashboard Confessional song
beat my head against inanimate objects,
attempt suicide
(a spork takes a long long time
to break skin)
tell myself
i'm not good enough for love
tell myself
i'm not good enough to listen
to the sound of doves
tell myself i'm not good enough
to masterbate.

My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours
My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours
My Inferiority Complex Is Better Than Yours

nani nani boo hoo
stick your head in tofu
and choke
choke on any self-esteem
you have left
because you
don't suck as much
as i do.

copyright by crush boy 2002

thanks raptorgirl for the inspiration.



current mood: amused

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Friday, August 2nd, 2002
1:50 am - who is crush boy?
crush boy is a superhero who fights for truth, justice, and love-American Style! using his super crush energy wave & his powerfully cute poetry, crush boy saves the world from loneliness and heartache. this is crush boy. hear him woo.


current mood: amused

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